“16 A wise man feareth, and departeth from evil: but the fool rageth, and is confident. 17 He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated” (Proverbs 14:16-17).

     The word of God has a great deal to say about angry people and the damage uncontrolled anger does. God also speaks clearly of the terrible outcomes of uncontrolled anger.

“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Colossians 3:21).

     Although the verse speaks to fathers, it is equally applicable to mothers. The verse is literally saying; don’t make a habit out of nagging at your children or you will break their spirits.” I know sometimes it is difficult, but try to find some things your child does that are praiseworthy. Try to give him encouraging words. Blossom him/her in the qualities of character where he/she has done some good thing.

     Many times, the only times our children hear us speak to them is when they have done something needing discipline. Imagine how discouraging that can become. We often rush into discipline because we find it unpleasant and a waste of time. This often angers us more than the petty little behavioral failure manifested by our child. Discipline should involve a lengthy discussion time and exchange of communication between you and your child (not just a lecture). The spirit of a child is a delicate and fragile part of who he/she is. Disobedience must be dealt with firmly, but in gentleness.

     The words we use when dealing with people need to be thoughtful, encouraging, and carefully chosen. Words should never be spoken in anger and words should never be defamatory (we should not use words that degrade people).

“21 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: 22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire” (Matthew 5:21-22).

     The word “angry” in Matthew 5:22 means to be enraged or exasperated. God is saying, if you are enraged or exasperated with another believer, you better have a very good reason. However, even if you have a very good reason, you better not be defaming his character. The word “Raca” might be translated empty-headed piece of worthless garbage. In other words, this person is said to be worthless and disposable. Christ is saying that the person that communicates such discouraging words needs to be brought before “the council” for public rebuke and discipline. The Christian that uses this kind of language has just become a satanic partner with the Accuser of the brethren.

    How Christians treat each other and how they act in the world is a living portrait to the world of what Christianity really is. The Christian paints a new portrait of Christianity with every new day of his life. This portrait is hung on the wall of memories for everyone to see again and again and again. We must never forget that Satan is the “accuser of the brethren” (Rev. 12:10). When one professing Christian is more concerned about getting his way than he is about resolving conflict, that person will begin to form a partnership with “the accuser of the brethren.”

    Very often, local churches tolerate this kind of spiritual immaturity among believers because they do not think they have the right to interfere. The fact of the matter is that tolerating this kind of behavior among professing members within a local congregation is really not practically different than tolerating someone living in fornication, adultery, fraud, idolatry, or any other kind of sin. The loss of God’s blessings upon the local church tolerating such wicked behavior will be the same. God is not going to tolerate this kind of wickedness in His children.

“8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: 9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. 10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: 11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it. 12 For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil” (I Peter 3:8-12).

     It never ceases to amaze me regarding the insensitivity some people show towards the kindnesses and graciousness of others. I remember once my wife was trying to be kind to a young couple who were struggling with some things in their lives. She did what all grandmothers do to try to encourage someone; she made them cookies. After all, cookies are the common language of peacemaking. When she gave the cookies to the couple, she simply said, “I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you and think of you often.” Here was the reply, “We are on a diet, cookies are the last thing we need right now. Thanks, but no thanks!” My wife was trying to be a blessing. It was clear that the person she directed her blessing towards was so selfish and insensitive to her feelings and compassion for them that he responded in selfishness and insensitivity.

     We can be sure that this kind of insensitivity is going to be the source of many, many problems in this couple’s lives. The problem is not the insensitivity. That is just a symptom of the well from which it springs. Selfishness is its source. Selfishness just never considers the feelings of others. Selfishness blinds the person living under its dark shadow to the feelings or needs of anyone else. Insensitivity might be diagrammed something like this:

     A common manipulative tactic of people who want their way more than they want resolution of a conflict (the fight to be right) is what I call The Loaded Gun Syndrome. In this scenario, one party in a disagreement seeks to attack someone by making an accusation against the person with which they are disagreeing through another person. The accuser usually does this through someone sympathetic to himself. What the accuser does is get the other person to take up the accuser’s offense and then aims that person (the Loaded Gun) at the person the accuser wants attacked.

     This is a subtle form of wickedness in that the accuser often does this by getting the Loaded Gun to promise not to reveal the name of the person that originally made the accusation, thereby allowing the accuser to work covertly and never be confronted by the person accused.

     This is a frequent practice when a Pastor is the target of the accuser’s contempt and attack. Sadly, the Loaded Gun is often a spiritually immature person ignorant of the accuser’s tactics. Any person willing to involve himself in this kind of charade is revealing his lack of spiritual maturity, or the wisdom to be a spiritual leader in the first place.

     The Loaded Gun is the type of individual that God calls “simple” in that he is easily enticed into wrongdoing and seduced into a satanic partnership to attack someone, not having the spiritual maturity to discern, or the wisdom to know what to do. Fair conflict management always allows people being charged with poor performance or accused of inappropriate behavior to:

1. Know who their accusers are

2. Learn what their accuser’s concerns are directly from them without allowing someone else to speak for them

3. Respond directly to those who accuse them

     No one wants to be around mean spirited angry people. They do not make good friends. In fact, the Word of God tells us they will become “a snare to thy soul.” They need straight, forward ministry in the form of rebuke and reproof with all longsuffering (II Tim. 4:2). The word of God directs us to separate from such people if they will not correct this destructive behavior.

“24 Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: 25 Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul” (Proverbs 22:24-25).

     Anger is often the tool of the manipulator. It is the Bully’s tool. Husbands use it against their wives. Wives use it against their husbands. Shouting and screaming is often used to control children. It is the lazy man’s/woman’s tactic. It is the lazy man’s/woman’s tactic because it is a substitute for real discipline and real communication. If you live with a Bully, you learn to do whatever you have to do just to try to keep some semblance of peace. Remember this, if you use Bully tactics, those you Bully will submit publicly, but will mock you privately. You may Bully someone into obedience, but they will disrespect you, ridicule you, and ultimately reject you. Any parent that has used this method to raise their children will find their children avoiding them as they grow older and keeping their children away from that influence. A simple rule with children is this: once you raise your voice to a child, you have just communicated your defeat as a parent.

     Historically there have been two common destroyers of local churches, COMPROMISE and unresolved CONFLICT. Compromise is a slow, steady gangrene that eats away at a local church piece-by-piece, truth by truth, standard by standard. Compromise often does not result in a large group of people leaving the church. In fact, the opposite is often the case. However, that local church’s power with God is quenched, whether they recognize that or not.

     Unresolved conflict destroys where compromise cannot. Unresolved conflict destroys in large gulps and big swallows. Unresolved conflict is NEVER justifiable. It is an exercise in self-indulgence and every Christian ought to know better.

     I do not mean to imply that conflict is not a normal part of a Church’s spiritual and numerical growth. Conflict can be a good thing when it reveals the character flaws in a church body that need to be dealt with openly. Conflict is God’s way of exposing the symptoms of carnality. Every symptom of carnality will have someone’s name on it. If those symptoms are left untreated, they will ultimately grow into greater problems. DO NOT JUST TREAT THE SYMPTOMS.

     Spiritual people learn to resolve conflict by humble submission to God and one another through transparency, confession of faults, and focusing on resolutions rather then upon one another’s faults.

“The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression” (Proverbs 19:11).

     Most conflict in a church is the result of individuals struggling for power or position. This kind of conflict exposes the carnality of those attempting to gain power or keep power (sometimes unconsciously). This struggle disqualifies anyone seeking leadership in a local church because such behavior is a complete contradiction against the servant model of Christianity Christ demands repeatedly in the Gospels.

     The question that must be asked in conflict is, “Are these people finding fault or are they focusing on resolution?” Those who only find fault are usually trying to remove something or someone they view as an obstacle in getting what they want. In doing so, they reveal themselves as accusers. Their quest for power or position takes precedent over people. People are disposable to the accuser.

     What do you think the lost world hears when a lost person overhears two Christians sitting in a restaurant tearing down another Christian or their Pastor? What if that person listening to this diatribe is being prepared by God to be witnessed to by the person being verbally destroyed? The eternal consequences of such sinful practices are overwhelming.

     When one person’s desires and wants are put above the plan and purpose of God, that person has a serious spiritual priority problem (James 4:2). The accuser is willing to sacrifice anything (but his/her pride), or any person, in order to have his/her way. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

     James 4:2 might be paraphrased something like this, “You want your way, but you can’t have it; you are filled with murderous hatred and are willing to do almost anything to get your way, but you just can’t seem to get it: so you argue and create factions and you still don’t have it, because you want it for selfish reasons.”

     The sad truth of the matter is that this describes every one of our hearts when we want our way; when we are unwilling to forgive someone, or unwilling to overlook someone’s faults. We set ourselves up as judge, jury and executioner and BEWARE if anyone crosses us!

     Whenever there is an outer struggle going on between brothers or sisters in Christ, there is also a spiritual inner struggle being waged by the Holy Spirit against our sin nature’s pride, hatred, and vengeance. This demands a Biblical response before it is allowed to go to its ultimate end; the destruction of the person being accused. Yet it is a delegate matter.

     This person is like a someone entangled in barbed wire. To free him, you cannot just start ripping away the barbed wire. If you do that, every time you pull on one area, it will cut into him in another area and you will rip him to pieces. In order to extract him with as little damage and pain as possible, you must carefully cut away the barbed wire in short, little pieces. There will be some pain involved. There will be some bleeding, but if you are sensitive and concerned about damage control, you can greatly minimize the damage. Helping people escape their own carnality and selfishness is delicate work for the spiritual surgeon. However, there is no anesthetic available for this kind of surgery.