“24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. 26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? 27 For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works” (Matthew 16:24-27).

     Selfish people are preoccupied with self-declaration. Life is all about them (egocentric). Even though they may deny it, they must draw every conversation to themselves. Every problem in the world is rated in importance as to how it directly effects their life. Things and issues of life that do not touch them or effect them are relegated to the heaps of unimportance and insignificance. The things they view as important in life are things that promote them in the eyes of others, things that give them status, or things that give them momentary escape from their pessimistic view of life through pleasure seeking (Hedonism).

     In order to ever deal with the selfishness that is part of our fallen natures, we must acknowledge to ourselves, and to others, that this describes everyone of us in varying degrees. In fact, even as we acknowledge that fact, selfishness is exposed by the attitude of our carnality that whispers in our ears, at least I am not as selfish as . . . Dealing with the selfishness that encapsulates and captivates our lives must begin with brutal self confrontation and complete transparency about what we are as fallen creatures in the eyes of God. Until we are willing to look at this satanic seed of corruption and see it as God sees it, we will never escape its stranglehold on our spirituality. When we finally do see it in all of its horrific distortions, we better be ready for the fact that we will be looking into our own eyes. It will not be a pleasant experience, because we will finally see the Satan within us.

     The subtle ways and the easy manner in which Satan deceives people (all of us) never ceases to amaze me. In fact, Satan will often use our own corrupted sin natures, infected with the satanic seed of selfishness, to lead us into our own self-deception. We see this reality even in the lives of the disciples. In other portions of Scripture dealing with this issue of denying Self, the disciples proclaimed their extreme dedication and self-sacrifice to Christ by telling Him they had already given up everything to follow Jesus, when in fact they had not. Most of them, like Peter, would deny Christ at the time of His crucifixion. In this denial, the disciples declared the reality of their selfishness. There was a degree of self-denial, but it was not the degree that is acceptable to Christ. They were not willing to die (“take up his cross”) for the cause of Christ.

     God’s test of the reality of our faith is through testing the reality of our faithfulness. What does it take for us put ourselves first in any decision of life? What does another person have to do to us or against us that we might respond in an unloving way or be unwilling to forgive? When dealing with the problems of life and relationships, how many times do the words I or ME arise in the discussion?

     The issue in avoiding selflessness is really a simple formula. LIFE IS NOT ABOUT ME. LIFE IS NOT EVEN ABOUT OTHERS. LIFE IS ABOUT BRINGING GOD GLORY! In almost every case it can be said, if we bring the focus of life upon ourselves, we cease to be doxological in our purposes in life. The only exception might be when we bring the focus of others upon our lives to testify to what God has done through our lives, being careful to emphasize and draw attention to what God has done. Often, testimonies are more about look at what I have done rather than look at what God has done through me. Testimonies can become a subtle form of self-aggrandizing if we are not extremely careful.

     A great accelerator of selflessness are the issues that springs forth from the “pride of life.” The three central avenues for sin to enter into our lives are the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life (I John 2:16). Of the three, the pride of life is the most subtle in its deception. We all want people to think highly of us. Many professing Christians will DECLARE their selflessness while continuing to manifest it by defending the selfish things they do. People will profess repenting of selfishness and then spend the next half hour proclaiming how others have mistreated them and abused their acts of self-sacrifice and selflessness. They have not really repented. In fact, they have merely taken the opportunity for genuine repentance and turned it into another vehicle to declared their selfishness. Selfish people want to make themselves martyrs by declaring all that they have sacrificed for others and the abuses they have received because of it. That is exactly what Peter did.

“23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. 24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 25 When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved? 26 But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. 27 Then answered Peter and said unto him, Behold, we have forsaken all, and followed thee; what shall we have therefore” (Matthew 19:23-27; bolding and underlining added)?

     Unfortunately, selfishness is a roadblock to spiritual growth. However, selfishness (the seed of Satan) is more than just spiritually crippling. Selfishness is blind to its own existence and deaf to anyone trying to expose it. Until selfishness is dealt with in a real and tangible way, the selfish person has imprisoned himself behind prison bars of carnality existing by his own manufacture. He cannot escape the prison he is in because he cannot even see his imprisonment. He takes his prison wherever he goes. Selfishness cannot see itself. Usually someone else must point out to the selfish person what is obvious to everyone but himself. When someone loves the selfish person enough to discuss the issue of selfishness, the selfish person will often turn on that individual and attack him in self-defense. Selfish people will defend themselves at almost any cost.

     What are the central characteristics of selfishness that can help the people imprisoned by selfishness recognize the prison they have created for themselves? I will give you ten that I see as predominant. These characteristics also reveal why it is so difficult to help a person escape the prison of selfishness. These characteristics of selfishness are the prison bars that keep a person imprisoned.

1. Paranoia (everyone is against me or everyone is out to get me)

2. Personal insecurities that must constantly be bolstered and reassured

3. Anger that turns to wrath (wanting revenge or holding a grudge or withholding something)

4. Unforgiveness that turns to bitterness (making sure everyone knows about the person’s failure)

5. Jealousy leading to criticizing a person to make yourself look better

6. Bragging with exaggeration intent upon self-exaltation

7. Self-criticism intent upon getting people to pity you or to find something to praise you for

8. Manipulation to get what you want (plotting how to use people or a relationship to get your way)

9. Covetousness (plotting how to get something you want from someone that does not want to give it up)

10. Threats of harming one’s self or suicide (the ultimate act of selfishness)

     Selflessness is a quality of the human character that is attractive. Selfishness is a quality of the human character that is repulsive. For selfish people, friends exist to help them feel important. Self-worth is measured by the number of people that hold them in high regard. Selfish people feed on relationships and on their friends. They are like leeches sucking the life out of a relationship until it is bled dry. Most people understand this reality and most people will merely tolerate selfish people publicly while ridiculing them privately. Selfish people seldom have any really close friends and those friends willing to tolerate them for long must know how to love sacrificially (God-kind love) because their friendship will never really be appreciated.

     Yet, selfish people are fickle. What begins with self-love will end with self-loathing. Selfish people do not even like themselves. Selfish people are the most unhappy people you will ever meet. They may have everything they want in life, but will never be satisfied with it. Wealth, power, and even fame will prove to be unfulfilling because self can never be satisfied. It is an insatiable demon. Soon after they get something they have wanted or longed for, they will begin to complain about it because of its shortcomings in fulfilling their expectations or fantasies about it.

     Selfish people almost always expect more from others than they expect from themselves. Selfish people will even belittle themselves to give a false impression of humility, when in fact, self-belittlement is itself a manifestation of self-focus intent upon getting pity. If selfish people cannot get others to praise them, they will try to get people to give them sympathy for the difficulties they must live with (husband/wife/children/father/mother/siblings/work situation).

     How then can we help the selfish person escape the prison of carnality he has manufactured from the seed of Satan within his fallen nature? The only escape for him is through loving confrontation of each of the characteristics of selfishness one at a time with the hope that a person will recognize the characteristic and begin to work at removing it. The difficulty is that people must change themselves in the power of the Holy Spirit. Until they come to see and recognize the horror show they call their life, they will never see the prison bars of their corrupted character. We must be patient with one another in dealing with our selfishness. Remember, the ultimate act of selfishness is self-destruction. The more selfish a person is the higher the potential for self-harm.

     In order to help the selfish person escape the prison of their own carnality, write out the ten characteristics of selfishness and confess (be transparent) about those you recognize that you struggle with. The more selfish a person is, the less willing he/she will be to participate in such an exercise of self-exposure. It is important to allow people to confess their own faults. It is easy (and unproductive) to confess other people’s faults to them or for them. In most cases, they will simply be unwilling to see what is so obvious to everyone else. Spiritual people are WILLING to be transparent about their faults. Until there is an actual confession and recognition of the problem accompanied by genuine repentance (the desire for change), God will not heal this person’s selfishness. God will continue to convict of the sin, but the unrepentant sinner will merely become hardened to the workings of God. The result will be that the sinner will flee and reinforce the prison of their own entrapment.

“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed” (James 5:16).

     The word “faults” in James 5:16 is not the same as sins (although character faults usually lead us into sin). “Faults” is from the Greek word paraptoma (par-ap'-to-mah). It refers to a lapse in judgment or to something not intended. This is true of all character faults. They come from a fallen nature. These character faults become predominant in a person’s life when they are allowed or tolerated in childhood. Often these character faults are created in the lives of children by parents who live as models of selfishness before their children. The Law of Reproduction is that selfish people will reproduce selfish people. They may not purposely set out to plant that seed, but they will do so nonetheless. In fact, they will plant it, they will water it daily, and they will regularly fertilize it with their own excrement of selfish exhibition.

     As we have said, this unwillingness to see what is so obvious to everyone else is not because selfish people are blind to these things. They will see them in others and often be willing to confess the faults of others to everyone they come in contact with. They just won’t see these faults in themselves because they will not see them. In giving a person these ten characteristics, he/she should be willing to confess at least one since we all possess most of them to some degree.

     Granted, most of us are only willing to confess the most common character faults of selfishness (those characteristics everyone else is willing to acknowledge that they struggle with too). The first three of this characteristics of selfishness are things most people will admit they struggle with to some degree (paranoia, personal insecurities and anger). As we move down through the last seven of these characteristics of selfishness, each will become more difficult to confess as we move towards number ten.

     Usually, the more transparent people are, the less selfish they are and the higher the probability of removing the prison bars of their own captivity. The more selfish people are, the more they will try to run, hide, and cover and the thicker their prison bars will become.

“He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

     Also, the more selfish people are, the more unwilling they will be to confessing their character faults and begin to dissolve them. If they are unwilling to confess their character faults, they will reinforce them and make them stronger. This is the paradox we find ourselves in when trying to deal with selfishness. Therefore, a key to escaping the prison of our own carnality is the painful road to transparency (confessing our character faults one to another). The journey may not be pleasant, but the blessing is that the destination is outside of the prison of our own carnality. Once there, we can actually begin to enjoy the new life God has given us.